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Toronto Matchmaker and Relationship Coach’s Lessons in Love: Sex Vs. Intimacy Vs. Eroticism (Part II)

Toronto Matchmaker and Relationship Coach’s Lessons in Love: Sex Vs. Intimacy Vs. Eroticism (Part II)
Let’s dive back into another chat on the pitfalls and joys of relationships, dating, love, and marriage! I hope that you will use this series to keep building that better, happier, more confident you! Continuing from our last discussion on sex vs. intimacy vs. eroticism, let’s take a look at intimacy next. Now the easiest way to conceptualize intimacy is to look at it as the opposite end of sexual contact. Intimate activities still exist on the same spectrum of human contact, but their primary goal is not to sexually stimulate or release. Instead, we engage in intimacy to deepen the “non-physical” bonds and connection to our partner. “Non-physical bonds” means everything that doesn’t relate to intercourse, orgasms, and all that other fun stuff! That includes, but is not limited to: having discussions on values, morals, and life-plans. That includes spending time together watching movies, cuddling, and doing extra-curricular activities.

For some, it’s not always obvious why we need to engage in intimacy. A vast majority of people hyper-focus on the sexual or tangible aspect of their relationships without realizing that attraction is built on many levels that go beyond what we can touch or physically sense. Being sexually attracted to a person, especially over the long term, is less about the pheromones and “physical” markers of sex, and more about the sustained release of dopamine and other “happy chemicals” that our brains release when we experience continuous happiness.  

The longer you’re with someone, the more your initial, fiery-feelings of love with fade—because they’re chemical, not spiritual or mental. This means you need to work on triggering the same reactions through physiological and habitual factors: date nights, discussions on romance and fantasies, even discussions on finances (yes, that can help with intimacy since it’s one of the number one pain-points in a relationship!).

It’s weird to think of love as something of a science, however, in doing so I believe it gives us the insight necessary to break past our limiting beliefs (discussed in my book, “Becoming the Total Package”), and to tackle our insecurities and issues in a controlled way. Love doesn’t have to be messy. It can be quite tidy and organized, depending on how much you understand of yourself, your partner, and what the two of you need. 

For deeper relationship, divorce, and dating coaching, I’m always here to help too! Don’t be shy about reaching out or applying to Perfect-Fit! 

—Aviva xoxo